


kintsukuroi

by cupsofstardust



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Gen, Kinda?, Suna no Sankyodai | Sand Siblings, Sunagakure | Hidden Sand Village, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26060389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupsofstardust/pseuds/cupsofstardust
Summary: "I didn’t think love was supposed to hurt.""Love is the most painful thing in the world, Gaara."
Relationships: Gaara & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 13
Kudos: 19





	kintsukuroi

**Author's Note:**

> Okay friends, welcome to my first real venture into canonverse or, alternately, Cloud Tries to Figure Out Canon Characterization. I'd like to think I know these characters pretty well by now, but I could be wrong. Hopefully I'm not, and this isn't terrible. 
> 
> I have no idea!
> 
> Also! Thank you to Penny for betaing, I appreciate you immensely! 💖 Check out their fics [here!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fellstars)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Dawn breaks, as it always does, and the sun rises. 

He blinks himself out of another sleepless night and rubs his eyes. They burn with exhaustion, but he gets up anyway.

The mirror isn't kind, but at least it doesn't lie; the dark circles under his eyes are still there, and his face is pale and drained. His hair looks dull, too, and messy. 

He leans down and splashes some water on his face, smoothing his wet hands through his hair in an attempt to tame it, and when he looks back at his reflection his gaze catches on the tattoo on his forehead.

Love, it says. 

A demon who loves only himself.

He meets his own gaze and his wet hair flops down again, covering it up. 

A knock sounds on his bedroom door and Temari's voice filters through. "Lord Fifth? The emissaries from Konoha will arrive in three hours. I've been told that Uzumaki Naruto is with them."

_Uzumaki Naruto._

He leaves the bathroom and crosses his bedroom, opening the door before Temari can get too far. She turns around at the sound of the lock clicking. 

"...Lord Fifth?"

"Naruto is coming?"

She nods slowly, lowering the papers she'd been shuffling through. "Lady Tsunade thought he could be of assistance. Haruno Sakura and Hatake Kakashi are coming, as well." She pauses, studying his face. "...Is that a problem?"

Gaara lowers his gaze, then turns to look back into his room, unable to stop the small smile forming on his face. "Not at all. I will join the party for their reception."

Temari nods. "Of course. I expected nothing less." She offers him a smile, then goes on her way.

Gaara carefully dresses himself in the kazekage robe and hat, and then he finds himself looking into the mirror again. His eyes find the tattoo, hidden now by both his hair and the hat on top of it, and then he meets his own eyes.

He hardly recognizes himself.

* * *

Konoha's emissaries arrive without delay, likely thanks to Sakura and Kakashi. Naruto breaks from the group the moment they reach the welcoming party at the gates and folds Gaara into a too-tight hug.

"It's so good to see you again!" he says, his hands still on Gaara's shoulders—much to the chagrin of his advisors, who he waves off easily. "I feel like I haven't visited Suna in _forever."_

"It only feels that way because you never let yourself rest," Sakura chides, coming up behind him and tugging at his ear. "Stop hanging off the kazekage, we're here on _business,_ Naruto."

Gaara opens his mouth to say _no, it's fine,_ but Naruto's gone before the words leave his lips, rubbing his ear and glaring at Sakura. He feels the loss acutely, a burning sensation where Naruto was touching him.

"It's an honor to be allowed to sit in on negotiations," she says, turning to Gaara with a smile. "I'm looking forward to working with you."

He inclines his head easily. "You knew me before I became kazekage, so there's no need to be so formal."

Sakura blinks, her cheeks coloring a little. "Oh. If you're sure... Thank you."

Kakashi comes up behind her, lifting a hand in a lazy greeting. "Lord Fifth, lovely to see you again. I look forward to the negotiations this week. Lady Tsunade sends her regards, as well, and is regretful that she isn't able to join us."

"It's no trouble at all," Gaara replies. "I'm sure she must have a lot on her plate if she isn't able to attend. She sent you in her wake, and I trust her judgement." He waves Kankurou forward. "My brother will show you to your rooms and help you get settled."

Temari leads the way back into the village, still talking with the emissaries, and the rest of the party follows, already going over the day's plan.

Naruto bumps his shoulder to get his attention while Sakura is distracted talking to Kankurou, and he whispers, "We have so much catching up to do!"

 _Catching up,_ Gaara discovers later, entails bunking council meetings and hiding from Sakura and Temari on the roof of the kazekage tower, a bottle of sake between them.

"It's so hot here," Naruto mutters, downing the rest of the sake in his cup and pouring some more. He'd taken his jacket off a while ago. It sits in the dust beside him, leaving him clad only in his mesh shirt. "I don't know how you can stand wearing all that."

Gaara looks down at his robes. He _does_ feel kind of warm, though he thinks that's more to do with the sake, and maybe the proximity to Naruto, than anything else.

"Seriously," he continues, "I'm sweating just looking at you."

He flops backwards onto the rooftop, his arms spread wide, and lets out a sigh. Gaara takes his hat off and leans back, sand scraping against his palms as he stares up at the sky.

"Is there a reason you wanted to join the envoys?" he asks, turning his head to look at Naruto's profile. "I can't imagine diplomacy is all that interesting."

Naruto folds his arms over his face, blocking out the sun, and responds, "It's good practice. Granny Tsunade thinks it'll help me."

The sake must be muddling his mind a little, because Gaara can't for the life of him figure out what he means. "Practice for what?" he asks, because it's easier than trying to figure it out on his own.

"For when I'm hokage. You'll be seeing a lot more of me then, you better believe it!"

Something about that leaves a sour taste in Gaara's mouth. "Don't become a kage, Naruto," he finds himself saying. "It's not all it's cracked up to be."

"Maybe not." Naruto's voice sounds different now, less slurred with alcohol. "But I'm going to. I'm going to bring Sasuke home and I'm going to fix Konoha. For him. I'll do all the boring paperwork I have to."

Something in Gaara's chest twinges painfully. "It sounds like you really care about him."

"I do," Naruto replies, and it's stripped of all pretense and spluttering dissent. It's raw, almost, and honest, and he has the sake to thank for it. "I want him to see that I can do it. I want him to know that I'm doing it for him."

"That sounds a lot like love."

It grows quiet. Gaara closes his eyes against the burning sun, even though it feels nice on his face. It's been a long time since he's been able to relax like this.

"Have you ever been in love, Gaara?"

 _No_ is on the tip of his tongue; he bites down on it, hard. He thinks of his tattoo, and how that is its own twisted form of love, but he knows that isn't what Naruto means. The truth is, he doesn't know, and he says as much. Naruto hums thoughtfully.

"Your tattoo says 'love,' doesn't it?" 

Gaara meets his eyes. The knowing glint in his gaze throws him off a little. He knows Naruto isn't stupid, but he forgets sometimes just how observant he can be. If it were anyone else, he would be uncomfortable. But it isn't anyone else.

It's Naruto.

"But that's not the same thing, is it?" he continues, his gaze trailing up to his forehead, where he knows the tattoo is.

"No," he says, because it _isn't_ the same thing.

He blinks, and then Naruto is leaning over and brushing the hair off his forehead. His eyes are the color of the night sky, and his breath smells sweet. 

"Did you do it yourself?" he asks. His hand is warm against his skin.

Gaara nods. "Yes. At the time, it was a... a symbol. Back then, I was still... well, I'm sure you remember."

"A symbol of what?" He's quieter now, for some reason, almost like he's afraid of the answer.

He averts his gaze. "I decided that if nobody wanted to love me, then I would love myself, demon and all. And unfortunately, you saw how that worked out for me. I'm..." He swallows. "Now, I wish I hadn't made such a permanent decision."

Naruto drops his hand and sits back on his knees to study him. His hair flops back over the tattoo. 

"You're not a demon," he says. "The one-tail might be, but you aren't. You're just..." He frowns, seeming to search for a word, and he settles on, "Gaara. You are Gaara, and the one-tail is the one-tail. It might be part of you, but it isn't _you."_

Gaara opens his mouth but Naruto keeps going, poking him in the forehead, right on the tattoo.

"This isn't the kind of love you should be giving yourself. It should be more than a way for you to rationalize and learn to live with the bijuu inside you. It should be a reminder. To love yourself regardless of what everyone else does to you, or says to you or about you." 

"Naruto—"

"Instead of a continued act of defiance against people who only wanted to see you fail, it should be a celebration! Despite everything, you are Gaara, the one-tails jinchuuriki, and the kazekage. What's not to love?"

With sudden clarity, Gaara can put a name to the feeling bubbling up in his chest, and he realizes why he burns up from the inside out whenever Naruto's around, and why that smile and those eyes make his stomach so upset.

 _This_ is love. 

Real, true, pure love. Celebratory love, that curls in his gut and swims in his head and makes everything feel a little less awful.

And it sits there, now, and it goes sour. 

Because Naruto loves Sasuke, and he admitted it so easily. Like it was expected. Like it was inevitable, that he would fall into Sasuke the same way leaves flutter from treetops.

Naruto's saying something, but he isn't really listening. He can't. Now that he's realized it, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to stop realizing it. 

"I have," Gaara answers, and he knows it's nonsensical from the abrupt way Naruto stops speaking, his brows furrowing as he tries to figure out what he's talking about.

"Been in love," he supplies, and his brow smooths out again. "I didn't know... I didn't know what it was, but... I think it's love." He sits back, putting more distance between them, and he stares at the grains of sand on the roof beside him. "I didn't think love was supposed to hurt."

Naruto smiles sadly, and he sits back too, forgoing his cup entirely and drinking sake straight from the bottle. "Love is the most painful thing in the world, Gaara."

He says it like he knows, because he does.

He hums in agreement, dragging his finger through the sand.

The sun sets in the interlude, the sky shifting from blue to orange to a deep purple, and then Gaara looks at Naruto again.

"Do you love yourself?" he asks. 

It seems like he does, but by now Gaara knows not to judge based on appearances alone.

Naruto considers it, and then he shrugs. "I don't know. I know that I love Sakura, and Sai, and Lee and Kiba. And Kakashi and Iruka. I know that I love Tenten, Neji, Shikamaru, Shino, Hinata, Choji, Ino, and Granny Tsunade. I know that I love _you."_

Gaara's breath catches in his chest. Naruto isn't finished.

"And I know that I love Sasuke, more than anything. Even if it took me a while to figure it out." He laughs a little and shakes his head at himself. "But _me?"_ He pauses again, downing another swig of sake and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I don't know. I think I'm trying to."

Alcohol really loosens his lips, it seems. He doesn't know that Naruto would say any of this if he wasn't tipsy.

"I think..." Gaara starts, still a little captivated by how the light catches his eyes, "that's all we _can_ do."

Naruto considers him for a long, quiet moment. His undivided attention makes him feel hot and flustered.

"I think you're right." He offers Gaara the near-empty bottle of sake. He accepts it and downs the rest.

Naruto smiles at him, then, and it scares him because it looks like he _knows,_ but how can he know something that Gaara has only just figured out himself?

"Sakura's gonna come looking for us pretty soon, if she isn't already," he mumbles, rubbing a hand down his face. "She's gonna yell at me too. For getting the kazekage drunk."

He flops back down onto the sand-covered roof and glances at Gaara, one eye closed against the sun. 

"Oh well," he continues. "It was worth it."

It grows quiet again, for a long time, and it's only when the sun is finally hidden behind the horizon that the door opens behind them. 

Naruto sits up and twists around, ready to be yelled at, but it's not Sakura on the roof with them. 

Kakashi slinks up, his hands in his pockets, and he stands between them, nudging the empty bottle with a foot. 

"Had fun, did you?" he asks, a sparkle in his eye that tells them he's smiling under his mask. "The kazekage was dearly missed at the proceedings today."

Gaara looks up at him, and Kakashi winks. 

"Not to worry. I told them you had more important matters to attend to, with Konoha's jinchuuriki." He crouches to pick up the bottle of sake, then shakes it gently. "Don't miss tomorrow's council meetings, Lord Fifth. I can't vouch for you again. They barely believed me today."

Naruto grins at him. "Thanks, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi just rolls his eyes and tucks the empty bottle under his arm. "Yeah, yeah. I'm not suffering Sakura's wrath again."

He offers them a two-fingered salute, and then he disappears back through the doorway.

"We should probably get going too," Naruto suggests, stretching his arms over his head and yawning. "It's getting late, and you have a lot of meetings tomorrow."

Gaara waves him off. "Go on without me. I'll be down in a moment."

Naruto looks skeptical, but he leaves, and when the door closes behind him Gaara lifts a hand to his forehead, the weight of tears behind his eyes.

What would it be like, to love himself?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this! I've never written from Gaara's perspective before so this was a bit tricky for me, but I hope I managed to create some semblance of, like, who he is and what goes on in his pretty little head.
> 
> Comments and kudos are nice, thank you! <3
> 
> [My Twitter!](https://twitter.com/shippusen) (I'm locked for reasons but feel free to request!)


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